THINGS INTOWN WHITE FOLK LIVE FOR

BRUNCH. There are things I just will never understand or want to understand and BRUNCH is one of them. Never been a single Saturday or Sunday where I woke and said, Goddamn, I need to stand outside in a line 40 deep and watch people all dolled up for the club click around on their Blackberries or iPhones and flip through the NYT like they're really reading it while my stomach turns to its own lining for sustenance cause its after two p.m. but there's nothing quite like waiting and waiting and waiting for something I could've cooked in my own fucking kitchen seven hours ago. Here's the key to BRUNCH: Eggs. Meat. Potatoes. Booze. Cook your eggs, your meat, your potatoes. Pour three shots of vodka in a tumbler and fill it with V8. BRUNCH is served. No three hour wait. No annoying white folks in fitted clothes clicking around on their Goddamn phones.

FARM TO TABLE RESTAURANTS. Because eating local is a virtue. Why would I pay $35 dollars for linguine with mint and peas? Because the linguine is made with local flour and eggs and water and the mint and peas were grown 40 miles from the restaurant on a farm started by Columbia graduates who were fed up with their lives in corporate America. What a gorgeous holistic concept. What a great way to stay connected with the earth even if I live in a loft apartment situated on 150 acres of concrete. The mint and peas, they're green.

BURGERS. Not a burger with lettuce, pickles, tomato, ketchup or a burger with cheese or chili. But a burger with fried okra or onions or shallots. A kobe beef burger with foie gras and white truffles. Ostrich and buffalo burger with fried sage and brown butter. Tuna tartare burger with wasabi foam. Free range chicken sausage burger, micro greens, tomato confit, pickled fiddlehead ferns. It's not a burger unless its precious and farmed and a fusion of no less than five different culinary traditions.

LATTES. Tall non-fat soy milk decaf latte with non-fat whipped soy cream and non-fat caramel sauce and shaved carob just like they do in Roma.

GREEN. This food was made from 100% recyled materials. OMG.