PUNCHED

Bon Voyage, sobriety. Gotta attend a wedding, engagement, or toddler birthday party in the near future? Relax. I've got just the thing. It's going to be intolerable, granted, but this will take all the edges off and leave you like a pile of dirty clothes. Champagne punch. Sure, sounds frou-frou; why not? It's pink. It's bubbly. It's stronger than the smell of freshly laid monkey cable.

All you need is a bottle of champagne, pulpless OJ, ginger ale, grenadine, and lemon juice. Combine the first four ingredients until it tastes like poisonous sherbet. Add lemon juice til it tarts up. Thinly slice some lemons and oranges and float them over the top. It looks great; tastes much better. The last "party" I brought this to, clueless parents served up cups to kids. Needless to say, they slept well that evening.

Cheers.